Apr 27 Written By Tamekia Sanders
Dark skin, small figure, rough hair with slightly bald edges, toned black girl who hated the image she saw in mirror each day. People coming up to you and saying “ How little you are and how you need to eat more. But little did they know you are a fat girl trapped in a skinny girls body. Or hearing people say how your arms are cut like a boy because of how toned your are. I used to get called Angela Basset because of how similar toned my body was like hers. Mirrors are meant to be reflections of an image shown before it but for me it was a blur. I could never see myself fully because of my mental state.
Waking up to get dressed in front of a mirror for most people makes you feel good inside. For me it was a terror to my thought process. I didn’t like all the negative things people said about how I looked even if it was a compliment ;I took it as something wrong. Words have power (Proverbs 18:21) and unless you understand who you are you will face battles like this each day. I didn’t know who I was and so I looked in the mirror thinking if I gained weight I would look better, If I changed my hair they wouldn’t say anything about my edges. My Self esteem was broken and my reflection in a mirror was always blurry. What was going on inside of me was starting to show on the outside . They say people wear there feelings on there sleeve, well I wore it on my face and had no idea people could see it.
I remember getting invited to a woman’s conference and I was excited to attend. I woke up feeling okay so I thought. I arrived at the conference and was immediately greeted by some of the women. I saw so much joy and happiness on there faces and thought I was reflecting that same thing on my face but I wasn’t. One of the ladies came up to me and gave me a big hug. She whispered in my ear and asked “ Are you okay? You look like something is wrong? I ran to the bathroom crying my eyes out staring at the mirror yelling “What’s wrong with my face, Why does everyone keep saying something is wrong with me?.. I left the conference and drove home still crying hysterically. The place where i should have received deliverance and healing turned into judgment for me in that moment.
Triggers are real and that poor lady had no idea she just opened up a womb inside of me. . Deep scars that have been buried under makeup and clothing. I don’t blame her, in fact she helped start my process of acceptance.I continued to stare at the mirror shaking and crying trying to see what they saw. I grabbed a small hand held mirror and broke it. I know they say breaking a mirror can cost you 7 years of bad luck but I don’t believe in luck. I do believe that when I broke that mirror something broke in me. It was like the broken glass that shattered into million pieces was stuff breaking off my life. I prayed to God in that moment and he showed me this Scripture that helped me. 1 Samuel 16:7″ “But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees. For man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” My Heart was in the wrong place and I realized that I didn’t love myself.
Healing began to take place in my mind, body and spirit. I focused on self love and I also begin to love my husband and daughter all over again. I knew I probably didn’t show much love towards them during that process. When you don’t love yourself it’s hard to give love to others. I would write daily positive affirmations on my bathroom mirror to help me get back on track. It helped me embrace my flaws and love my brown skin even the more. I would pray the Serenity Prayer Every morning. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Surrounding myself with positivism allowed me to finally see my true reflection in the mirror when I looked. I was no longer seeing blurred vision, I can now see Who God Created me to be and What God see’s inside of me.